Subject: Food + chemo. There’s something wrong with me.

Third chemo done. Thank goodness. Only 1 1/2 days…but it still wasn’t short enough for me. I thought this time I would recover much sooner, but it appears that I thought much too optimistically (and perhaps I spoke too soon about how well I was doing).

I have been neglecting emails, letters…I should write those soon. But the last 3 days have been misery again. Granted, it’s not as terrible as the first week after the first chemo…but it comes in close. Like I said before, you never know what’s going to happen.

I guess it was my fault that I thought I knew what would happen. I got out of the hospital pretty quickly (I was supposed to stay for another day), so I expected everything to be okay. I felt pretty normal too…not as nauseous, not as food-picky before. And then I had food. Spicy Korean food. Which I guess is not a good idea when you’re going through chemotherapy, because soon that night, I was barfing again.

Again.

It gets tiring having to go through the same cycle of barfing. I’m so tired of barfing. Honestly. I don’t know how bullemics do it. I would never become a bullemic because honestly, I appreciate my stomach too much to do that kind of damage to myself. My throat is raw, my stomach cramps, I don’t want to think about food, I want to throw up at all mention and thought of eating food (and especially chemo)…you know the works. And the worst part is…in order to distract myself…I’m actually thinking about food.

Food. Of all things. I’m thinking about food…but not about eating it (if I thought about eating it…then I would feel sick. If I just thought about food…well, it’s not that bad. And I know a lot about food, so it can distract me forever.)

At first, I thought about all the “junk food” that I never really ate when I was a health nut. (But not anymore, because chemo made me lose weight! Please don’t take this as happiness on my part…I’m being rather sarcastic because I would rather have been the same weight I was before all of this started. I’m losing too much weight…and if I lose too much, then they’re going to have to stick a tube down my throat and feed me. Blegggggggghhhhhhhhh. So, I’m trying all I can to avoid this. Right now…I’m back to square 1. I was 114 before all of this…and then I became 105…and then 110…and then 112! And now…I’m back to 103. DAMN. NOT HAPPY AT ALL. This is like…UNDER, UNDER, UNDERWEIGHT for someone who’s 5’5”! Underweight is at 109 for my height! AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.)

Also…do you see the irony in all of this? For most of my life…I wanted to lose weight. And now that I am…I want to gain weight.

Back to food. Junk food. I thought about hot dogs. With mustard. I don’t like ketchup, although on rare occasions I do. And then about cheese pizza. Good-quality cheese pizza - the kind where the cheese actually “strings” when you remove a slice. I actually prefer a deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza crust, but that’s probably because I like carbs.

And then I thought about bruschetta. Toasted baguette, roasted tomatoes + Parmesan cheese, some basil, olive oil, pepper, and salt…

And then Persian food…koobideh (beef) + barreh (lamb) kebabs with that amazingly aromatic Persian rice (with saffron)…and a side grilled tomato.

And then Taiwanese food. Or rather, the food I ate in Taiwan. There’s this little restaurant that serves really good duck+noodle soup, and then there was another one that served the most exquisite Szchewan cuisine (a little ironic, yes I know, because Szchewan is not native to Taiwan)…their seafood dishes are their main specialty. And then the dumplings, the bread from the department store SOGO, the ai-yi (the addictive drink I can’t get enough of), the sushi, OMG. The seafood restaurant in Yilan…with lobster, crab, abalone, sashimi, shrimp, fish…we had over 13 dishes? And then there’s this other restaurant that serves really good eel+noodles in Taipei.

And then I thought about Crested Butte, Colorado. And all that food we had over the summer. Gyros (their lamb gyros are the best!) from Pitas in Paradise, the Mexican food, the tamales from that tamales place (that I have yet to try), the sandwiches from Sunshine Deli, French from Soupcon (venison) and Le Bosquet (lamb)…and then the lasagna + coconut + rice pilaf + macaroons + dumplings I made from scratch. And then there was that bbq…where I made the best medium-rare steak EVER - it was incredibly juicy and tender…omg…I want some more of that. And the toasted marshmallows…I might have eaten half the bag. No one else wanted any though, strangely enough.

And now I want s’mores. And really good barbecued baby-back ribs. And Mexican food. Like tacos…crisp taco shell with shredded cheddar, sliced tomatoes, seasoned beef, and lettuce. And good salsa + guacamole. I hate it when the onion things inside it are too chunky. I hate raw onion…but it enhances the flavor of the stuff…so unless it’s chopped really finely…I won’t like it much.

It’s funny how I’ve been craving actual food rather than desserts. Especially as I’m known for my desserts. I don’t know why…all that sugar is not appealing right now. And I never really enjoyed eating what I baked - it was more fun watching people enjoy what I baked. It’s actually the reason why I used to get up at 5 AM in the morning so that I could serve all those (still hot and steaming) cakes+pastries at school at 7 AM…I enjoyed seeing people enjoy the food I made. That was more satisfying to me than eating it myself.

But right now…what I would give for my Kitchen Aide (still back in LA, damnit). I meant to venture into French baking/cooking this year (my aunt gave me a copy of Julia Child’s cookbook), but I’m afraid that I’ll grow sick of baking because I can’t stand strong smells. I also wanted to try pies and cheesecakes…but that’s also off the list now too.

Next year though…for entry snacks…here’s what I have planned (these are just themes…I’m not gonna include all of them. Although I do feel sorry for whoever is paired up with me next year because he/she is going to spend quite a bit of $ and time to help me):

1.) Sushi (California rolls and other raw-fish-less versions. I don’t know what people’s attitudes in Williamstown are toward raw fish…)

2.) Shabu shabu (Hot pot with a bunch of meats/vegetables you throw in yourself. And you have these different dipping sauces/soups, etc.)

3.) Chinese (I would like people to try real Chinese food for once.)

4.) Fondue (I would need to buy a fondue machine though…)

5.) S’mores (Probably won’t/can’t…because it involves an open fire…but if I could…)

6.) Cheesecake (Pretty easy).

7.) Hot-fudge sundae (with homemade hot fudge and ice cream).

8.) Hors d’oeuvres (a little bit of everything.)

There are days when I would love to be a chef. Although I hate prepping (washing, cutting, measuring ingredients)…oh wait. I would rather do that than clean up.