Subject: Romanze.

Romanze, not romance - it’s the title of a song. It’s not a well known song. It would be classified as a “classical” song, although it was really written/composed in the 20th century by Max Bruch. Originally named Romanze for Viola and Orchestra in F Major, Op. 85…but seeing as I can’t house 90+ orchestra members in this San Ramon house…it’s a viola+piano edition.

I think I might have lost 98% of my audience already.

But I’m feeling horrendously guilty about the fact that I haven’t practiced the viola a lot. I should…but after 2 months of not being able to play (because of the surgery)…I got worse. I hated the feeling of not being able to play as well as I used to…so then I avoided practicing to avoid that feeling…and then my playing got even worse and consequently I avoided more practicing…and it became somewhat of a cycle.

But I can’t slack off any longer, because I have a promise I need to keep. Scott Woolweaver, the viola instructor at Williams, accepted me into his studio earlier this fall when I was still at Williams. I was the only freshman who was accepted. (?) At the time, I was shocked. ME?! What?! O___O I…who was probably one of Professor Becker’s worst students…although admittedly…I didn’t practice much either compared to his other students. I practiced an hour a day…while his other students practice like 4 hours/day! >___< And I neglected my scales half the time…maybe that’s why…I should go practice them….

I miss Professor Becker. Gaaaaaahhhhh. He’s seriously one of the best viola teachers (and violists) in the universe. No kidding. No exaggeration. I’ve had several viola teachers, but Becker is the only one who is able to pinpoint all your mistakes immediately and tell you what you need to do to make it 250% better. And he has great technique - you won’t ruin your body to play the viola. And he has amazing musicality…every lesson, I’m motivated to look beyond the black and white notes and unearth a new interpretation of the text. (Not that I always successfully interpret it every time…I’ve been struggling with the Romanze for quite a while now.) But I miss Becker most because he makes playing the viola fun. And challenging. And I miss his funny comments. And he doesn’t repeat the obviously stated. (I’m just a little frustrated with my guitar teacher…he repeats things I already know that he thinks that I don’t know. Like quarter notes. X__X) And he inspires/scares me to do better at my next lesson. I always feel so nervous whenever I have to play in front of him. I always think I can do better, and that I’m not doing well enough. He has really high standards - thank you, Julliard - (which is good, because then it forces me to keep on improving). But I always feel guilty because I feel as though I’m kind of wasting his time (in a sense) because I’m not planning to become a performance major. In terms of efficiency, it would be more efficient to teach another student who was planning to become a performer than me…who only plans to play in random chamber groups and in her free time in the future. SO. I wonder why he too accepted me as a student. When I first came into his studio…I was not that great. I was definitely not a prodigy. And he’d refused people as students that week. And the next week. And for several months after. SO…I wonder what was different about me? But I suppose that doesn’t matter. I’m just incredibly, incredibly, incredibly thankful that I met such a wonderful teacher. Without his advice/help/funny comments…I would never understand how to play with musicality. And musicality (although technique also does help) is what sets good and the best musicians apart. Not that I’m suggesting or saying in any way, shape, or form that I’m even that good (I’m not). I’m just saying that it helped me improve majorly.

But anyways…I definitely cannot go back and not be able to play the viola.

Heehee. Now that I’ve bored 100% of my audience…I can talk about the alternate version of Romanze.

NOT that there is anything going on in my life. I’m just conjecturing here…sorry to disappoint. HAHA.

I’ve been meaning to write about this topic for a long time, but I haven’t because, well. It’s weird to pour your soul out on a blog where countless (sometimes random unknown) people can read (and mock you for your blunt honesty). And because this is such a private issue, and one I usually would not discuss with just anyone. But I’ve been thinking about this for much too long, and I haven’t had an opportunity to talk about it with anyone, and I don’t think I will have an opportunity to talk about it anytime soon…SO. I will risk complete humiliation and shame so that I can “cathart” (and thus put this issue to rest).

First. Sex Appeal. You might be wondering…WTF. Yeah, I’m thinking the same thing too. Why the f*** am I writing about this….? Answer: because it’s the only thing that’s popping up in my mind right now. Damn.

Okay. Here it goes…this is completely embarrassing, completely weird, and completely un-Laurice to talk about this…

I have sex appeal. And I don’t know why. It makes me laugh/wonder if the guys are crazy/giggle in disbelief/think about it too much because it confuses me. Like seriously. I’m really curious. I would love to understand why guys find/found me attractive. What is it about me that makes/made me attractive??? Because I have a “pretty” face? Because I can cook/bake? Because of my dancing? I think it’s super funny because I’ve mostly been classified as “cute.” (Which does get irritating after a while. Who wants to be seen as cute and childlike for the rest of their life? O_O) Or is it just because I happen to be female…

I think that might be the most likely reason. >___<

But also…I miss hanging out with the guys. Guys are unpredictable, so conversations are always interesting because they’re never what I expect. And they’re also very down to earth. They mean what they say, and they say the funniest shit sometimes. And I can feed them the stuff I bake. (It’s a good trade-off…I have fun baking, and they have fun eating.) And overall…they just have a new/different/unusual perspective on life in general. So it’s very enlightening, and I have fun seeing the universe from their point of view (not that it’s always better. Just kidding.)

If I were at Williams…I don’t know. I would imagine that if I had stayed, at this point I would have been interested in a guy. It would be very un-Laurice if that weren’t to happen. I wonder what would have happened. I think I would have been done with chasing guys. I’ve finally come to the realization that if they’re interested…they’ll make a point of letting you know that they’re interested. Why I didn’t understand that in high school…escapes me. And besides, I know who I am, and what I have to offer. I’m not going to waste my time. I think with cancer…you start to prioritize your time. Chasing after guys is currently (and should be) at the bottom of my list. Perhaps it’s a bit presumptuous of me to say this, but the reason for that is because…well…I know that guys will chase me. Or perhaps “knew” is a better way to describe the situation. I don’t know about the future…but I know that pre-cancer, they chased me. Or at least thought I was attractive.

And that thought still makes me giggle. It’s flattering to know that people think/thought of me as attractive. Like having 5 guys in one night ask you to dance…or to have a passing random guy say, “Damn, she’s hot!”…or to have your entire entry vote that they’d “dtf” you….LMAO. (I’m sorry to talk about this again…but I’m like…incredulous. In disbelief. Amazed. Amused. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m still trying to explain it to myself.)  But beauty is in the eye of the beholder…and in my eyes…I see myself as normal. Not exceptional. Just…well…me. I’m a spaz, I say weird things, I like buying dresses, I write poetry when I’m sad, I text too much/I’m addicted to my Iphone, I prefer tea, I don’t like wearing yellow, and I say “guitar” (and several other words) differently/incorrectly. I make funny faces all the time (unknowingly), I say things that I shouldn’t say, I love baking cake, I’m kinda sick of chocolate, and I’m currently bald.

I miss feeling attractive. I miss spending those 30 minutes curling my hair. I miss being able to turn heads (although I still do turn heads now…but for a different reason). I miss having a body without scars. I miss feeling…like a normal 18 year old. I’m supposed to be studying, partying, skiing, making new friends, getting myself into trouble for climbing onto roofs, eating gelato from the Snack Bar, etc. I guess you could say it’s a sheltered life, and most of my life has been sheltered…but I miss that carefree feeling. I miss getting into mischief. I miss climbing those 3 flights of stairs to get to my room. I miss decorating and spending an astronomical sum of money to decorate my room. I miss my entry and my friends at Williams. I miss staying up late at night (or should I say morning?) talking to my JA’s about random things, life, etc. I wish I was there to experience all the crazy and fun things that they’re doing…and part of me is angry and wistful and sad that I can’t…but I hope (no, I pray) that I will be there next year so that I can do all those amazing things that I’ve been hearing about. People complain about how much work they have…and I wish that I was going through that instead.

This is such a random post.