Subject: Xmas and Reflections

So I didn’t have the best Christmas, as I spent it in the hospital instead…BUT other incidents have made up for the lack of holiday cheer this year. Did I ever mention just how much I love Williams, especially Willy F? I still can’t get over the fact that they sent me 1000 cranes - it is absolutely amazing, gorgeous, stunning, and touching. All 1000 cranes are currently hanging on my bedroom door…which is in danger of disappearing into an explosion of color. (I can barely see the original door.) I’m wondering how the fire department will respond to them next year should I put them in my dorm…I’d planned to artistically arrange it in cascading waves (think wind chimes, just better arranged), but I suppose that would be something of a fire hazard?

And then the Igloo (mi familia from high school) came over and surprised me with a visit (and decorated my hospital room!). We ate a lot of food, made paper snowflakes, gossiped…HAHA. Truth never gets old. It was like the old times, except I think we’ve become a lot more mellowed-out and a lot happier. Not having to worry about college apps and AP/IB crap really takes a load off your shoulders. It was wonderful seeing them again…I’ve been dying to see them for the last few months.

And then Anh and Stephanie came…and I got caught up with all the latest juiciest stories. It was like being at Williams all over again…I remember our weird, ill-timed conversations at Mission (Cavie always came in at the wrong time), Stephanie’s strobe light and my heavy lamp (that we carried up 3 flights of stairs), speed shopping in Berkshire Mall, drawing on the whiteboard in Schow instead of studying, the “Jesus” rock, sneaking cereal out in the coffee cups…I really, really look forward to being back there with them.

And also, Becky came…and brought one of the most thoughtful gifts ever. She compiled pictures of me taken from the model shoot for the Fashion Show last year and wrote accompanying poems to them.

And I suppose that’s why I’m writing now…because looking back at those pictures…they remind me of so many things.

I was so carefree. So innocent. I looked like a lamb ready for slaughter. Seriously. No wonder I nearly (figuratively) did get slaughtered senior year.

Academically, I was fine. Although truthfully, I didn’t really put much effort into studying senior year…but I did do all the work. I don’t know if I regret this, maybe I don’t. It’s just now that I have a greater appreciation of time, I feel as though I could have used that time to get even better results. It’s like…I could have done greater things, but I skimped out on them because I was too lazy. And that makes me upset. But it’s too late for that now, so I’ll just have to remember that for the future.

And then…emotionally. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I think this part is the most painful and funniest part for me to admit and talk about. I was a lovesick fool. I was so distracted chasing after guys. I was desperate, because I was lost. I didn’t know who I was, and I foolishly thought that a guy would “show me the way.” I couldn’t accept myself, so I needed a guy to “accept” me so that I would like myself. Pathetic, yes? I think so now too. Lovely teenage angst. No wonder all the guys ran.

And I’ve decided that I no longer want to be a “nice” person. I would rather be a “thoughtful” person. Because somehow, when you’re described as “nice,” it is implied that you are quite easy to manipulate, backstab, and take advantage of. Yes, I do care about you. But no, I don’t love you more than my own skin. Now, it’s all gonna be about self-preservation. Good luck. I deserve to find out what I want, not yours.

And also, while I’m at it…I would like to step away from that “goody-two-shoes” expectation people seem to have of obedient Asian girls. I may laugh like a little girl and be a ditz, but don’t let that deceive you. I am not an idiot. I am analytical, I observe, and I remember. I may doll up and dress pretty, but that doesn’t mean that I plan on obtaining a MRS. degree. I have my opinions, and you’re going to hear them. I will not shut up. I will not let you walk over me, because I will have already left by then. I will be polite to you, but I will judge you for your actions. And if you have something bad to say about me, I will confront you about it because I’m tired of gossip circles. Own up to your words, and even though it may be something I don’t like, at least I will not call you a hypocrite or a coward.

That said…here’s a new list of stuff I want to do by the end of the 2010 summer:

~Tennis - MUST learn how to play. I need to overcome my fear of playing sports.

~Guitar - not hard, but involves a lot of practice. Which I tend to neglect…*sigh*

~Viola - new instructor, so now I have a new incentive to keep practicing. Except I hope surgery won’t get in the way of practicing…

~Bartending school - LMAO. I never thought my mom would agree to this, but then again, my life has turned upside down…I only have to be 18 to serve alcohol in MA and 18 to go to bartending school in Cali. Sweet. (The only reason why this is appealing is because I think it’s fun to mix stuff together. And because I originally wanted to be a barista at Goodrich…but seeing as I had no experience…I thought this would better boost my credentials)

~Horseback riding - can’t go yet, because I’m in danger of catching weird and numerous infections from the dust, but I’m planning to ride in the summer once all this is said and done.

~Learn how to load and use a gun - I look forward to this the most. Call me sadistic, but seriously, I get tired of being looked upon as “defenseless.” I’d always thought it would be fun to learn how to be a sniper, though not necessarily to be one…it would give me a piece of mind.

OH. and this is random, but I seriously, seriously love waking up in bed NOT attached to an IV. I nearly got admitted to the hospital again (after getting out this Sunday) because of a fever…but I’m OUT of the hospital and SO GLAD. I seriously need the 10-12 days at home in between chemo treatments; without them, I don’t know if I could go back to the hospital. I don’t think I could ever apply to Stanford Graduate School…the hospital is too close by and I have a feeling I will never be able to look at it again without feeling nauseous.

And I skipped a blood transfusion again. Hemoglobin = 6.9…which is not good because when it goes below 7 (I believe the highest it could go is 10?)…you could pass out really quickly. But I haven’t had a transfusion yet and I don’t really want one…it creeps me out thinking about having someone’s blood swimming in me…I know it’s for my safety, blah blah…but I think I would feel worse with a transfusion (mentally)…and I didn’t want to stay in the hospital any longer. All the doctors and nurses were pretty dismayed about my choice, but really. I’m so tired of being injected with stuff. I feel like one of those frogs stuffed with formaldehyde that we used for dissection/”learning” purposes in Bio.