Subject: No news is good news…

Because I’m been effectively nagged and hounded by my mother for the last 2 days about writing a post…here it is.

So what’s new? Umm…I’m missing parts of my 2nd and 3rd ribs. I had 3 chest tubes stuck inside me. Oh, and I have a 6 inch scar on my left side. And I had a second surgery to remove the softball-sized hematoma (blood clot) that formed in the cavity where my 2nd+3rd ribs used to be. HOWEVER, I can’t really see the difference (the absence that my 2nd+3rd ribs has made) so I’m pretty ecstatic about this whole thing.

I’m out of the hospital, and have been for a week. Weirdly enough, I didn’t mind the hospital stay as much as I thought I would. I wasn’t connected to an IV, although I was connected to the horrid chest tubes (about 1/2 thick, maybe an inch circumference?). And by the 2nd day, I was up and about walking. Technically, I’d have been released on the 3rd day, but they discovered the hematoma so I had to stay for a week. Other than that, I don’t really remember what happened. I think I mostly just spent the entire time sleeping? I’m not kidding - I really wonder what happened. I think I’ve subconsciously shut out most of my hospital memories in order to preserve what’s left of my sanity (and tolerance of hospitals?).

Now I just have 6 weeks of radiation + 4 months of chemo left. Radiation and chemo can take place at the same time, thank goodness. I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to. Radiation is 15 minutes per session/day, and 5 days a week (I’ll get the weekends off). I think they’re radiating some part of my lungs…I don’t remember what part. I just hope it doesn’t hit any major organs or my heart. And chemo will just be chemo. Except I think they’ll be taking doxyrubicin out of the mix while I’m getting radiation…which makes me really happy because this is the one that’s crimson red and freaks me out whenever I see it.

I’m 2/3 done with my treatment (Chemo I phase done. Surgery done. Chemo II/Radiation not done.) YAY. 5 months closer to returning back to Williams.

So far, I’ve been pretty good at not thinking about what life would have been if I had remained at Williams. But now and then, I slip…like today. I thought about what it would have been like to wake up today in my dorm…Willy F 302. I can imagine myself - disheveled, bare feet tiptoeing across the freezing wood floor, completely exhausted from some party last night. I would open my closet, rummage through drawers, inhale that musty smell of old wood dressers. My teeth would chatter, I would be shivering…and I’d probably dive back into my duvet and attempt to change under the covers so that I wouldn’t have to subject myself to the cold.

Mundane scenarios like this…are always somehow present in my imagination. I can imagine brushing my hair (which was so thick and lovely back then), twisting it into a bun or tying it back into place with a hairband…or just letting it fall loose around my shoulders. I still remember what it feels like between my fingers…although I can barely remember what it felt like to have hair. (I mostly wear scarves now - they’re lighter, still look feminine, and less noticeable than hats.)

And I’d have gone to the gym (while in reality, I haven’t gone since last September)…where I’d have done my regular routine: stretches on the mat, ellipticals for 30 minutes, and more stretching. I feel a little guilty for not having exercised at all for the last 5 months…I used to be such a nut about it. Like I HAD to do it, or else I wouldn’t be able to function normally. I guess there’s not much incentive for me to do it now…especially since after every chemo round, I already lose weight from not eating.

But anyways. It’s not much use imagining when I still have quite a bit to go…

I meant to read all my textbooks/readings from my classes (when I was still at Williams), but still haven’t gotten around to it. My first excuse was that I couldn’t find my highlighters (I have to annotate or else nothing will stick in my mind). But I’ve found them now…so I guess my only excuse then is that I’m afraid that I won’t remember anything I’ve read due to the fact that I have “chemo brain.” (I’m not kidding about this either - research has found that during chemo, among other many various side effects, your memory becomes impaired and you tend to not remember what happened. I guess it’s a good defense mechanism - who wants to remember bad memories anyways?) I guess the first thing I’ll read is that thick Art History textbook. I read the section on Dorian/Greek art…and I kinda remember parts of it? Iono. History textbooks are generally the most fascinating to me. I remember I used to plow through (and almost memorize) my history textbooks in elementary and middle school (back when we still had book excerpts in them). I was called “Miss History” because I seemed to remember/know everything there was that we needed to know for history classes. And it’s true - history was a breeze for me up to high school; I rarely needed to study for it and it was one of my easiest subjects. I was good at memorizing history (but for some reason…not bio), mostly because it appealed to me much like any interesting novel/gossip does. (History is chock full of gossip.)

But umm…what else could I talk about…OH. I went shopping today. Slightly amusing, considering that it was Valentine’s Day and I saw that 90% shoppers comprised of couples. There were lots of high school couples at Nordstrom, which I found surprising for some reason. I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me, but I was wondering why the hell were they there? (Besides the obvious reason: shopping.) I’m a little upset that there’s no Nordstrom in NYC or Boston (both places are where I intend to go shopping once I’m back at Williamstown. I don’t trust myself to buy clothes in Cali; Cali clothes are definitely not suited for Williamstown weather, and besides, I don’t want to lug 14 suitcases back with me.) I think there might be one in Albany…but Albany?! (For those not familiar with Williamstown geography: it’s at least an hour away, and the only way to get there is through a hazardous mountain road ironically called Route 7. Don’t laugh - I’m used to Socal’s ginormous highways…I didn’t think a little road would be called a highway.) The Williams motorcoach only goes there when school opens, vacations/breaks, and when school closes. I guess zipcar just might be the only alternative…although I intend to get a van license as soon as possible.

Okay, I think I’ve rattled on for long enough - this should appease my mom. Besides, nothing major has really happened so far, thank goodness. I’m glad for the new year (Happy Chinese New Year!) - I really, really hope this year is better and a lot less painful. I guess I’ll write a new post soon? I have another 2 weeks (I think) before chemo/radiation starts, so I’ll have at least one more upbeat+positive post written before my rants begin again.