Subject: New attempt.

I just deleted my last post. The one I wrote about an hour ago. I truly don’t know what to write about, which may be a good thing because no news is good news. Except I’d like to write something, because I feel as though I haven’t exercised my intellectual abilities enough. And I’m really scared that all that poison that has been pumped into me has permanently damaged my cognitive and analytical skills.

And maybe I’m tired of just sitting here, watching the world change.

I used to like being able to do nothing. It was pretty awesome for maybe the first 6 months. But after hanging out with Patrick during Williams’ spring break, I really miss being with my friends and just college life in general. I’ve rarely thought about what life could have been because it wouldn’t do any good to surmise about the impossible. I suppose it’s a really good thing that chemo is starting to wind down, and that there’s only 4 more rounds left.

But now, with all this time I have…I want to go back to the way things once were. I know I could use this time to read, to play viola, to write, to do whatever I want to do. But there’s no sense of purpose to it. I do it to fill the time.

I want to go back so that there would a reason to why I would read. Why I would write. Why I would practice viola. I suppose it could be argued that I do have a reason now to do all of the above things. But there’s no competition. No company. There is no sense of time or deadline. And even if my mom were to put a time limit just to give me a purpose, I would resent it because it gets annoying when she tries to schedule my life, as she mostly had for the last 18 years of my life. (So don’t even think about it, Mom.) In college, I had a sense of self-driven purpose and meaning in life. I knew what I wanted to accomplish. I was given the independence to make my own choices. But right now, cancer has sucked my desire to do something with my life. All I can focus on is recovery. I guess it’s all I should focus on, because without recovery, I wouldn’t be able to do anything else. And a lot of my independence is gone. I’m still stuck in northern California. I can’t get out of the house. I can’t go volunteer at the library or go horseback riding. There’s always that fear that I’ll get sick or that I’ll pass out unexpectedly, etc. I want to see my friends back in southern California. But I’m not allowed to. I won’t even be able to get back until the beginning of July. And then I’m not allowed to stay in LA for the rest of the summer, so I don’t even know when and if I’ll get to see my friends. What the hell.

I truly miss the company. I love my mom and my aunt, but I just can’t interact with them the way I would with my friends. And I’m a pretty social person; I don’t like solitude. It sucks being only able to talk to my friends via chat or vidchat. It’s so much better when it’s face to face. This is the part I don’t like about norcal. Most of my friends aren’t there, so I am rarely able to go out and have fun with my friends. I don’t want to go bother my friends in college either, because they’re busy studying and writing essays and reading. I feel like this place has sucked all the fun out of me. I feel so dull. So dry. So boring. I can’t remember what words I want to say because there’s no one to say them to.

I guess my dream job right now would be to counsel people. Listen to them, dole out advice. I have eons of time and definitely a lot of patience to fix problems. I suppose my life experience has qualified me to give out expert advice. It would give me a purpose. And it’d definitely make my life more interesting. So please, if you have any crisis, big or small, please email me: laurice.shern@gmail.com. I promise I’ll keep it confidential.

A lot of the sarcasm and bitterness that were pretty prevalent in my earlier writings seem to have disappeared recently. Maybe I should start being snarky again. I was about to write a post about the awfulness known as New Moon (the other Twilight movie). I wish I hadn’t deleted that post because there were some real gems in there…

Maybe I should rent that movie again. It would be amazingly fun to comment on. It annoyed me SO MUCH when Bella + Edward would just make out with one another instead of conversing with one another because Stephanie Meyer didn’t know how to write dialogue. PLEASE. I don’t get the make out scenes. The two are fucking horny and would they PLEASE GET A MOVE ON WITH IT. WE ALREADY KNOW YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY. The making out scenes are just awkward and misplaced and corny. It makes me incredibly nauseous. There is nothing romantic about kissing a dead fish (or at least Kristin Stewart makes it seem that way - she always make that face when she’s making out with Rob Pattinson).

Anyways. I now feel inspired enough to go find that movie and write a real critique of it.