Subject: Back.

I was in the hospital for a week for neutropenia. Or in other words, I had no white blood cells. Personally, I don’t think it was serious enough to warrant a week’s stay at the hospital. But then again, I suppose it could be. My body wouldn’t have been able to fight off the simplest infection or fever (much like AIDS), and I could have been in serious trouble if it was a particularly dangerous strain. Luckily, I only had low grade fevers and a minor infection (hence the week-long’s stay).

As you could probably guess, I wasn’t happy about it. Who wants to have blood drawn on a daily basis, be hooked to an IV, and be woken up at odd hours in the night to have their vitals taken? But unlike chemo, I was actually lucid for the entire week. So, it wasn’t too bad because I had the energy to watch (or rot) my brains out watching TV+movies. Since LPCH (Lucile Packard at Stanford) is a children’s hospital, the movie list was kind of limited to G and PG ones. But I got caught up & rewatched Disney/Pixar classics! (Mulan, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Cars, Up, etc.) I also had an appetite, so I pretty much ate all the junk food that I didn’t have the stomach for (when I had chemo). And my cousin and aunt came up to visit me so I actually had fun! Overall, this was my favorite hospital stay…which is actually saying a lot considering how anti-hospital I am.

But yeah. My last round of chemo got delayed. So I probably won’t start my last (14th) round until next Wednesday (and it’ll finish on Sunday, June 13). Which makes me both happy and unhappy. Happy because (hopefully) this will be the last chemo treatment of my life, and unhappy because next Wednesday is quickly approaching. Of course the benefits outweigh the costs, but still…

Yet even though I have (or technically, “had”) cancer…I don’t think that this is rock bottom. Several months ago, I thought that I had hit that spot. But now, I just think that I’m really lucky. Maybe my activities are somewhat restricted and I have a lot of health concerns now, but really, it’s not as bad it seems. I don’t think have the right to complain about what’s happening to me. Because like I said before, things can always get worse.

I’ve met other patients who have/are going through so much more than I have. Some have had limbs amputated. Some have had relapses. Some have had tumors that have metastasized. Some have slim chances of survival.

And knowing what others are facing, it just makes me cry. I know too well the pain, the fears, the bitterness, the desperate hope, the justifications, the uncertainties…and I wish that all of them would live long, happy lives…but the reality is that some won’t. Even I don’t know if I’ll be lucky enough to live a long, happy life. But that’s all right. I’ll be fine, as long as I enjoy however long a life I’ll have and maintain my health. I’m happy with what I have.

Otherwise, my life is slowly…kind of…returning to ‘normal.’ I’ll be sure to post more about this in the future. Right now, I’m just taking it easy and avoiding any future hospital stays (that are non-chemo related). I hung out with my friend Nicole and her friends today, which pretty much brightened up my day because it gets lonely at my house. So life is great, at least for now.