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I’m not sure what to name this post. I was going to name it something like, “The Beginning,” “A New Horizon,” or “The Ever After.” But they sound trite and and besides, I don’t know what chapter this part of my life is. So, it’s just going to be known as the “bracket” post.

Anyways, the BIG NEWS: I finished chemo. Thank God. And now it feels odd reintegrating myself back into “life.”

P.S. I do know what the word “reintegrate” means. I’m not just trying to throw weird words into here.

It does feel like I’m slowly bringing together “pieces” of my individuality, my soul, my desires, my dreams, whatever…together to form the complete “me.” Okay. Maybe not ‘bringing together’. Awakening would be a more specific term since the “old” me is coming back to life.

My mom compiled (aka had me print out all my blog entries) everything from 9monthchallenge into a folder because she wanted to document my journey. And I noticed that I wrote a lot in the beginning, somewhat moderately in the middle, and a lot less in the end. Although it’s true that I did become lazy, I can justify why the entries became sparse in the end. First of all, I became used to my new lifestyle, so I didn’t find much to complain about. And there really wasn’t much in my life to talk about. I found myself struggling, especially from April onwards, talking to several of my friends because there was nothing in my life I could discuss with them.

But I also believe that March onwards, I started to “shut down.” I think I wanted to protect myself - it got to the point where I didn’t want to hear anything anymore about what my friends were doing. I was just too envious. It hurt so badly knowing that I couldn’t go out at any time and grab a bite to eat, I couldn’t go dance and party, I couldn’t see my friends, I couldn’t flirt or hang out with guys, I couldn’t…I couldn’t be my normal, crazy, quirky, loud, obnoxious, talkative self. And to see others having fun when you can’t…

So I stopped. I don’t know what I stopped. All I know is that I feel different. Definitely more cynical, more unapologetic, and more mature? I don’t know what changed, but I can feel that my personality has changed. I still love having fun and partying, but now there’s a darker side. The world is not so beautiful. I guess I can see the world for all its colors (or most of it) instead of shades of gray.

Then again, I really have no idea. I feel like I’m spewing bs because I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now.

I’m just feeling… very tranquil. Life is nice. It’s soothing. I’m walking on air, but I’m not looking down.

It’s so odd. Treatment has finished, but I’m not sure what to do now.  That is, I do know what I want to do and what I have to do, but it’s just…I’m slightly shocked, and mostly dumbfounded that I finished my prescribed treatment. Have I come that far? I’ve seriously become so used to getting chemo, to running in and out of the hospital…that not having to do any of that is truly a novelty. I seriously just sit there and think: “Wait, I don’t have to have chemo?!”

I’ve been taking these last couple of days very easy. Mostly resting and doing nothing because I wasn’t feeling up to do anything. So now I’m really behind on emails, thank you cards, facebook, and catching up with friends. I’ll get that finished…soon.

I have started reading my textbooks for next year though. Haha. Before you start labeling me as an overachiever (although truthfully I am one), just hear my reasoning first: I haven’t done anything remotely academic this year. I think I’ve forgotten how to write a (good) critical essay and my memorization skills are most likely in shambles. I need to start getting myself into gear so that way I won’t suffer too much in the fall. With all the activities I’ve planned, I’ll need all the time I can get.

Especially for Art History 101. I think I might start writing drafts, or outlines at least, weekly and posting them onto here (or another blog specifically for this purpose). I’ll critique a specific work of art and blog what I think of it. It’ll be good writing practice for me and maybe it’d inspire some fascinating discussions.

Plus, now that I feel more energetic, maybe I can continue my tennis lessons. I have three weeks to get into (infinitely) better shape - I’m supposed to go back to LA in the beginning of July.

I guess this also means that I have three more weeks of shopping. HAHA. (I seem to like shopping in norcal more than socal?) And this is rather crass of me…and I’m breaking one of my cardinal rules (i.e. Thou shalt not talk about money or anything remotely connected to it)…and I hope you understand that I’m just talking about clothes…but I really can’t help but rave about designer jeans.

I really, really, really like shopping for them, wearing them, and their fit + cut. They feel so comfortable and they emphasize the right parts of my body. I swear I’m having a denim love affair right now.

LOL. You can totally tell that I’m feeling better when I mention that I want to go shopping.