Subject: No. No. NO. NO. NO!

I was supposed to write about my summer adventures. And I was going to…although I haven’t so far.

And now I’m in no mood to do so.

I have finished chemo. surgery. radiation. 

And now I don’t know if I’ll have to go through all of it again.

I haven’t mentioned that I’m still not free to go. I was scheduled for a variety of exams this/last week: PET, CT, bone scans. They’re to make sure that every last bit of cancer has been eradicated from my body. And while everything looked fine on my CT and bone scans…my PET did not.

There’s something weird going on. With my femur, that is. On two identical spots on both sides. It is too coincidental to be a disease. And then it isn’t.

What is it.

It’s not even a question because I don’t know if I want to find out that I’m back to square one again.

And I’m so scared because Myndi, the girl I met last December who had Ewing’s two years ago, told me that there was another guy she met during her treatment who had Ewing’s. And while he finished his treatment and everything seemed to turn out okay…the doctors thought his scans looked a little funny. And sure enough, it came back.

And he never recovered.

Is this what is going to happen to me?

Please. Not now. Not when my hair is growing back. Not when I dare to dream. Not when I’m feeling happy again.

Is it too much to ask?